Helping someone with depression.

Understanding and helping someone struggling with depression.

My daughter has suffered with severe clinical depression since she was 12. The depression was amplified by PTSD and her symptoms were severe. I have journeyed with her for 15 years into adult life, wanting nothing more than to see her well and flourishing. I am not an expert. I just have a story to tell. I hope the words and learning here can be of help to those of you who are watching your loved ones suffer.

Depression is the family secret every family has.

10 things you can do

There are many things you can do to help but these are the ones that I have found made to biggest difference for my daughter

1. Start the conversation-Do you want to talk about it? I’m here when you are ready. Learn to ask the hard questions but accept when they don’t feel ready to talk.

2. Help find support- know when they are in trouble and where to go-

3. Stay with them- when they need you now and, in the future, stay in touch, be reliable

4. Acknowledge how you feel- remind them they are not alone

5. Work on your relationship with depression

6. Work on your relationship with the person who is suffering- love them as they are- acknowledge their suffering- be patient

7. Accept life as it is- Live with the odd behaviours, unpredictability and NEVER take it personally. Extend loose invitations- let them come if they can.

8. Self-care- Find someone to support you- take a break- set boundaries- see a counsellor-make a break- you can become depressed yourself

9. Believe in their ability to heal and be the source of HOPE

10. Help with everyday tasks

AND REMEMBER….

You are not their counsellor

You cannot control the path they follow- they have choices

You are NOT responsible

You are not to blame

You make a difference

10 Things you should avoid when someone you love is suffering I have made many mistakes along the way. I have suffered my own “dark night of the soul” and have learned some things I wish I had known some of these traps before this journey began.

1. Taking things personally- it isn’t about you

2. Feeling you are to blame- guilt serves no one

3. Trying to fix them - wanting them to be what you want them to be- those are your dreams

4. Minimising or comparing their experiences- no two suffers are the same

5. Getting enmeshed in their lives- you lose your life to them and disempower them

6. Doing for them something that they can do for themselves

7. Giving advice- you do not know what it is like for them- don’t push your agenda

8. Taking a stance on any treatments- medication included- the choice is theirs

9. Setting unrealistic expectations - pushing too hard, setting timeframe, results,

10. Going to war with the world- this is complex, healing is slow and complex

10 warning signs that your loved one is in trouble

There may be times when you will not be enough. Make sure you are prepared, know what to do and where to go. Know what the person needs and that you have someone you trust to help you.

1. Frequent mood or personality changes

2. Talking about death or dying

3. Purchasing a weapon or looking at ways to take their life online

4. Increased substance use

5. Risky or dangerous behaviour- maybe aggression

6. Getting rid of belongings or giving away treasured possessions

7. Talking about feeling trapped or wanting a way out

8. Pushing people away or saying they want to be left alone – further withdrawing

9. Saying goodbye with more feeling than usual

10. Saying they are a burden, it is hopeless, they are trapped

The fact that you are here reading this means that someone suffering has someone wanting to help and I promise you that makes all the difference. I now see the light at the end of the tunnel but at times I had to look hard, and it seemed very far away.

I wish you well on your journey.

Annie